Learning to fail well
A pretty cheesy acronym for FAIL is used in many schools. It goes like this:
F irst
A ttempt
I n
L earning
Cheesy but good, right? It is most definitely memorable, and it makes an excellent point. If we want our kids to be ok with failing and learn to fail ‘well’ then we need them to really hear this message; that failure is an essential part of growth and learning. Making mistakes helps our kids to learn. Mistakes are key to success. When we score low marks on a test our brain cells actually grow because it tries to find new ways to figure out how to get the right answers. The problem is that many young people feel ashamed and embarrassed of failing. If they do not feel comfortable with failure then it can result in anxiety, meltdowns and even cause them to give up entirely. So what do we do as parents to prevent this?
7 ways to help your teen get comfortable with failing
1. CHECK YOUR REACTION
How do you react when your teen tells you they have failed in a test? Do you worry, panic, or get angry? If so, you could be sending them the message that intelligence is something that is fixed. Next time focus them on what they can learn from their mistakes. This will send them the message that intelligence can be nurtured and can grown.
2. BE A MODEL
As with most things, kids learn how to fail well from us. Share your stories of failure with them; the ones that caused you to give up completely, and the ones where you learnt something. It is so important that your kid knows that you have been there and can understand how they are feeling.
3. SHOW EMPATHY AND LISTEN
Listen to how failing has made them feel. Let them know that you understand how they must be feeling. This would be a good time to share a story of when you failed, or you could ask one of my all-time favourite coaching questions; ‘If you spoke to a wise person about this, what advice would they give you?’ This can be so effective in empowering your teen, making them realise that they already know what to do next.
4. WHAT COULD THEY HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY?
Getting them to reflect on what they did to prepare for the test helps them to focus on the process of learning rather than the outcome. It is likely that they didn’t spend enough time studying, or they didn’t start preparing early. They may well need to look at their revision techniques and review them to see if they are effective. Perhaps they need to ask their teacher for more help. Getting curious about what they could have done differently will help them to stay in the growth mindset and see that this failure has the potential to bring about success the next time around.
5. PRAISE EFFORTS
This goes for anything they do. Always praise the effort more than the outcome. Again, this will help them to learn to place value on the process rather than the end result. Once they make this shift, their will almost certainly improve.
6. THE ‘WORST CASE SCENARIO’ SCALE
I love using this method in my coaching, and it can be adapted for so many different situations. Ask your teen to put themselves on the scale: 10 being the worst disaster you can think of, and 1 being the best thing ever. This will help them to put their failure into perspective and hopefully calm down any worry or anxiety.
7. ENCOURAGE THEM TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
Discourage them from trying to lay blame on their teacher, their study partner, their noisy little brother. It is an important life skill for them to learn to take responsibility for their failure, assess where they went wrong and know what to do differently next time. At the same time, it is also essential to reinforce that their worth is never determined by their grades.