Willpower does not exist: why setting boundaries with screen time is always OK

One question that comes up often with the parents I work with is “If I use apps to control how much screen time my teen has am I preventing them from learning about willpower?”

Here’s the thing.

Willpower does not exist. It is a holy grail that has the potential to be extremely damaging to our self-esteem and self-worth. It is another thing we strive for, and inevitably beat ourselves up about when we can’t find it. And the thing is we may never find it because, that’s right, it doesn’t exist!

When it comes to willpower I am a non-believer. What I do believe in is nurturing habits. Take brushing your teeth for example. It is by nurturing this twice daily habit from a young age that makes brushing your teeth a non-negotiable part of your routine. Who taught you this habit? Most likely your parents. The same principle can be applied for screen time.

Working out is another good example. Most of us never really want to go and exercise, even though we know that once those endorphins kick in we will feel amazing. We know the benefits but still feel like we are dragging ourselves out of the house to do it. Yet by making exercise a part of our daily routine we soon form the habit and feel rubbish when we don’t go. Willpower does not come into it. Willpower does not make us go for a run. It’s fostering that habit that keeps us going back even on the days we don’t feel like it. The same principle can be applied to screen time. Once these habits become routine we know that we will feel better for not scrolling for an hour before bedtime, even though we may be feeling the craving to have a quick look on Instagram.

What is also important to remember is that these devices are designed to keep us on them for as long as possible. Billions of dollars have been spent researching our online habits, and social media apps use this data to develop their software to keep us addicted to our phones. This is way bigger than us. It’s the reason why we are all feel beholden to our phones and consciously have to step away from them and set clear boundaries on how much of our day is spent scrolling. Hoping that your teen will be able to control this for themselves is naïve (and I say this with the utmost kindness)-the tech is just too powerful. Stepping in and setting these boundaries for your family is just another aspect of parenting in the modern world.

Nurturing habits is the key to changing patterns of behavior that do not serve us. By installing an app that shuts off the Wi-Fi at 8pm until 8am is one way of helping your teenager (and the rest of the family too, no doubt!) to nurture a habit that enables them to develop a healthy relationship with their phones. They will get used to and associate evenings with doing other things, so much so that after some time being on their phone after 8pm will feel strange and abnormal, just like not brushing their teeth before bed would be.

The next time you find yourself questioning setting limits on screen time ask yourself why you are doing it, and remind yourself that this is another life skill you are teaching your children. Always be open and honest with your teenager about why you are creating these boundaries and include them as much as possible. Making this a collaborative process for the whole family could mean that it is received positively and will fit into your family’s rhythm.

So when you hear yourself a story that you can’t do something because you have no willpower remember it does not exist. Instead think about how you can foster and nurture those habits to make the positive changes you want to bring into your life.