3 Reasons Why Your Daughter Doesn’t Believe You When You Tell Her She is Amazing
OK. So the title is a bit extra. BUT! This is something I hear often from the mothers I work with; however hard they try to tell their daughter how funny, clever, bright, special, capable, beautiful she is, she just does not believe them.
If only she could see her potential, she’d stop self-sabotaging and start working harder at school.
If only she could know how beautiful she was she would stop seeking validation from likes on social media.
If only she valued and accepted herself she would have clearer boundaries that prevented people from taking advantage and disrespecting her.
But she never believes her mother when she tries to tell her these things. And it is so frustrating.
From the years of experience I have working with young people, I know that there are 3 reasons why your daughter does not believe you when you tell her she is amazing.
1. Teenagers’ belief systems are shaped by their peers
Unfortunately, they don’t care that you have been through the teenage years yourself. For them, it seems like a million years ago, and they have got a point; being a teenager is very different nowadays. The good news is they feel safe and secure with you. They don’t have to try and change who they are for you to accept them. However, their friendship and peer groups are a different story. According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the need to belong is third after safety, and physiological needs. Without that feeling of belonging, self-esteem and self-actualisation is a struggle. We have to feel we belong to our family and our friendship groups for the other needs to be met, and for teenagers this is challenging when everyone is struggling to find out who they are and where they fit in. This leads me onto point number 2…
2. Teenagers struggle with self-acceptance as they are trying to figure out who they are and find their place in the world
I once worked with a client who couldn’t choose clothes for herself because she wasn’t sure what she liked. At first she felt embarrassed to tell me this because it was, in her words, ‘silly’. I reassured her it wasn’t at all! The clothes thing was part of the bigger picture of her trying to figure out what she liked, and also to trust her decisions and choices. We are the most powerful when we are making decisions. In these formative years we have to be given permission to make mistakes and learn from them. Mistakes must be encouraged! It’s how we learn and it can also help us to get to know ourselves better.
3. They can’t be it if they can’t see it
This is a big one.
Can your daughter really believe you when you tell her how amazing she is, when she knows you don’t think that about yourself? How are you modelling this to her? Does she see you accepting yourself for who you are? Does she see you having clear boundaries? I love this quote from Glennon Doyle’s ‘Untamed’
“A responsible mother is not one slowly dying for her children, but showing her children how to bravely live. I stopped being a martyr and started being a model”
Until you stop being a martyr and start being a model, your daughter won’t believe you.
If you want your daughter to start believing she does not have to change a single thing about herself, then you need to stop believing that there is something broken or missing about YOURself.
If you are ready to dive deep into how to start this journey for yourself and your daughter then sign up to my FREE webinar on Tuesday 9th June, 7:30pm BST ‘Believing the Unbelievable: How to get your daughter to accept her amazing self’
You can sign up for it below to get all the details. I can’t wait to see you there!