Personal Safety
Last week a mum in my Facebook group posted this question:
Hi Maria Evans. I love being part of this group and learning. Can I ask if you’re able to give advice about how we can support our teens who are struggling with fear of their personal safety, the issues that face them out in the world, measures they can take, how to process emotions around them and their friends being physically attacked? My son is 15yo and several incidents over the last 6 months are making me realise how vulnerable they are. Thank you.
When kids reach the teenage years their vulnerability comes into very sharp focus. The older they get the more time they spend away from the security of their parents, and whilst this independence is of course essential, it can make them aware of how their personal safety could be compromised. Whether it’s walking to school with friends or hanging out in town at the weekend, teenagers can feel quite exposed and sometimes even feel threatened or in danger.
Most kids this age know how to cross the road safely and not talk to strangers. They are probably sick to death about being told how to stay safe on social media-that is not what this blog post is about. This blog post is about how we can help our teens to feel safe in a world where so often it feels anything but. Here are my top tips.
Know your power
Power can be defined in so many different ways, but ultimately, we are at our most powerful when making decisions. Choosing who you want to spend your time with, how you want to feel, what you want to do are all important decisions. Now you might be thinking, ‘What has this got to do with feeling safe?’ It has everything to do with feeling safe because when you really know what power your decisions have on your well-being then you will be able to make them so that you can feel more autonomous. For example, if some friends are pressuring you to do something you don’t want to do, then make a decision based on what you want and what you know will not compromise your personal safety.
Values and Boundaries
Much of my work with 1:1 clients is about setting boundaries that are based on their values. When we are really clear on our boundaries they can free us rather than confine us! Try these exercises with your teen.
Values
Write down all the things you value in life. Here is a list of suggestions to get you started:
Fairness, family, confidence, fun, friendship, honesty, joy, kindness, making a difference, success, safety, respect.
Then write down your thoughts and answers to the following questions!
· Where are you expressing these values in your life right now? When do you feel like you are experiencing them and living them?
· Where are they not being expressed right now?
· What changes or updates do you need to make to your routine, habits, patterns of thought do you need to make to allow more time to live out these values?
Boundaries
Imagine your self being like a house, your home. What will you allow into your home and what will you shut the door on? I want you to draw the house and write the words inside and outside. For example, in the house you may have ‘joy’ ‘connection’ ‘creativity’ ‘bravery’ etc, whereas outside the house you might have ‘shame’ ‘fear’ ‘judgement’ etc.
Take time to write about what you have allowed in your ‘house’ recently. What has been welcomed and how did that feel? Did you allow other things to come into your house that didn’t feel good? How did that feel?
Friendships
The people we surround ourselves with have the power to make us feel safe and calm. They also have the power to make us feel the complete opposite. During the teenage years we all dip our toes into different friendship groups as we try and figure out who we really are and what our place in the world might be. If your teen is feeling unsafe, it could be that the people they are hanging out with are making them feel that way. Try this exercise with them:
Define what makes a good friend. Now look at your friends. Do they match up to your list? If so, great! It is so important to surround ourselves with people who make us feel safe, valued and loved.
If your list does not match up then ask yourself whether you feel safe, valued and loved in these friendships. You deserve to have people who respect you for who you are. So much of us feeling safe in this world is about the people we spend our time with. Make sure your friendships are ones that you can trust.
Helping others
Sometimes it can feel that there is so much pain and suffering in the world that it is impossible to make a difference. This is so not true! Impress upon your teen that themselves and their decisions have so much potential to be powerful and have impact. Helping others can really make a difference, however small, whether it be donating to a food bank or getting involved in some projects at school. This can help them to feel safe in the world as the more we help others the more aware we are of the good in the world.
Stand up for others
If your teen feels able, then encourage them to stand up for people they see being hurt or made fun of. Be the change they want to see, knowing that if they were in that situation they would be so grateful that someone stuck up for them.
Practice gratitudes
Teach your teen to practice gratitudes. Get them to write down at least 3 things that they are grateful for, and get them to do this every day. It may sound a bit ‘woo’ but research has shown that people who do this regularly are happier and more confident. It will help them to see how rich their life is, and that they have so much to look forward to. It will help them to gain perspective, and of course it will enable them to develop a positive attitude to life. This will transfer to how they feel about the world; that there are dangers, but there is no light without darkness.
Talk it out
Encourage them to share any worries they have with someone they trust. It always helps. Sometimes saying those things we are afraid of out loud can shrink them. Sometimes the person you share them with may have been in that situation and able to offer you some advice.
Letting go of the things I cannot control
Get your teen to draw a chart with two columns labelled ‘What I can control’ and ‘What I cannot control’ and fill it out with all the things they are afraid of. This is a really helpful exercise to make them see that there are some things we can control, like the decisions we make, the people we hang about with. There are some things we cant control and this is helpful to know too because then we can start to accept that and let it go.
The Worst Case Scenario Scale
I love using this method in my coaching, and it can be adapted for so many different situations. Ask your teen to put themselves on the scale: 10 being the worst disaster you can think of, and 1 being the best thing ever. This will help them to put their worries into perspective and hopefully calm down any worry or anxiety. For worries and fears that still feel quite scary, come up with a plan of action. If this actually happened, what could you do to feel safe? How could you remove yourself from that situation?
What is your teen afraid of right now? Is it holding them back in any way? Try some of these strategies and keep going with them. There is no quick fix, but if you are consistent with them they will start to feel safer and more confident.