Big Emotions: 4 ways to help your teen ‘Sit in the Feelings’

A few years ago when I was still teaching I taught the novel ‘The Time Machine’ by H G Wells to my Year 13 English Literature class. It wasn’t a favourite of mine, but it provided a perfect core text for their comparison coursework on dystopias and some really juicy themes to explore. The story is about a time traveler who shares his experience of travelling into the future, to AD 802,701. Society as we know it has dramatically changed beyond all recognition, and human beings have evolved in a frightening way. The novel is about the evolution of social class, the elite becoming the ‘Eloi’ and the lower class the ‘Morlocks’. It is the Eloi that I want to focus on in this post, the echelon who are weak, fragile, lazy and childlike. Dystopian texts always give us a deliberately exaggerated, horrifying glimpse into a possible future (The Handmaid’s Tale, anyone?!) In this way I believe we can also interpret Wells’ portrayal of the evolution of human beings as a warning about what could happen to future generations if we focus on perfection and the strive to always be happy.

Now you might be thinking, ‘Well, what’s wrong with that? Isn’t that what everyone wants-just to be happy?’ And I agree-it is what we want for ourselves and even more so for our children. The problem is that when we try and protect ourselves and our kids from any unhappiness we are in danger of compromising their resilience.

Living a full life means experiencing the light and the shade, and feeling the full range of emotions, however painful and uncomfortable that might be. This is not easy when it comes to our children, particularly when they have so much more to navigate these days, and so much pressure to present a perfect life on social media. But if we don’t allow them to sit in the negative emotions and feelings, we are teaching them to suppress them. And that’s the sort of thing that will come back and bite them on the bum later on in life.

Here are some ways you can support your teen when they are experiencing these big feelings:

1.      Avoid distraction

It is very tempting to whisk them off somewhere to cheer them up. I am not saying don’t do this at all-I am saying don’t jump into doing this first. You can absolutely do this later when they have had time to process their thoughts and feelings.

Notice if they are distracting themselves by scrolling on their phone or playing on their games console. Gently encourage them to come off it and try and name some of the feelings they are experiencing. I love this graphic from Sara Tasker to help articulate that feeling.

2.     Write it out

I set weekly journal prompts for all my 1:1 clients and this is a practice I really encourage them to keep. There is so much scientific research that shows that writing down your thoughts and feelings can have a positive effect on your wellbeing. Often we are not even sure how we feel about something, but when we write it out it is revealed to us. Magic! If your teen is unsure how to start then simply begin with ‘I feel…’ or ‘I want…’ and go from there. I urge you not to read their journal unless they give you permission to do so, or unless you have very good reason to believe they may harm themselves.

3.     Talking

Will they talk to you about what they are feeling? Open up the conversation with no judgement and a listening ear. Reassure them that no feeling is ‘wrong’ and that there is no shame in experiencing any emotion. Do not try to fix the problem, and be careful that you don’t dismiss those feelings (but also remember that life is hectic and we will dismiss them sometimes! Always be kind to yourself!)

Try asking them my favourite coaching question, ‘If you spoke to a wise person about this what advice would they give you?’ to encourage them to tap into their intuition and problem solve for themselves.

4.     Movement and exercise

After they have sat with these feelings and you have tried some of the strategies above, encourage some movement or exercise. This could be the perfect opportunity to walk up the road for a coffee, or go for a swim (excellent meditative exercise!) If you are worried that your teen does not have a hobby or interest that involves exercise then read my post here about finding their spark for some ideas to get them out there and moving.

Footnote: If you are worried that your teen needs professional help, that they are not coping with managing these big feelings then always speak to your GP