Communicating with teens: 7 simple ways to get your kid talking

As parents we want our kids to be able to come to us and tell us anything and everything. We want them to know that there is no subject off the table. But how do we get them to do this?

You may well be feeling that you don’t communicate with your teen in the way you used to; they’ve become quiet and reluctant to tell you about things that are going on. So what do you do then?

Here are 7 simple ways to get your kids talking:

1.       Keep channels open. Let them know and remind them often that they can talk to you about anything. If you feel that they still aren’t sharing then do a task together, or wait until you are giving them a lift somewhere and ask them then. If you are cooking a meal or driving there is a distraction which means they don’t have to make eye contact if they feel uncomfortable. Sitting down face-to-face and asking ‘So what’s going on with you right now?’ may well feel just too intense for some kids.

2.       Check your listening skills. Are you really listening or just hearing? Effective listening requires focus and concentrated effort-both mental and physical. Pay attention to not only what is told but how it is told. What language do they use? What tone of voice? What’s their body language telling you?

3.       Reserve judgment. If your teen thinks you are judging them and their behavior they will most likely shut down the conversation. Try to leave your judgement to one side and focus on the thinking process behind what they are telling you they have done/how they feel.

4.       Let them think things through for themselves. No one likes being told what to do, and that includes teenagers. Ask them my favorite question that helps people tune into their intuition: ‘If you spoke to a wise person about this issue, what advice would they give you?’

5.       Pick your battles (see this blog post I wrote on how to avoid unnecessary arguments with your teen) Do you really need to pick them up on this? Or can you let this one go?

6.       Remove your ego. It’s not about you. Their behavior is not a reflection of you as a parent. Instead focus on what they are trying to tell you. Focus on their needs rather than your own.

7.       Remember they are people too who are just trying to figure out who they are and finding their place in the world. Reminding them that they are loved and safe in their home is so important. If they are still uncommunicative don’t lose heart-keep trying gently and that conversation will come eventually. If you need support then parent mentoring can be so powerful and transformative. Make an appointment and let’s talk about how I can help. You don’t have to do this alone.