Let’s talk about Nudes
It’s every parent’s worst nightmare, right? Finding out that your son or daughter has sent a nude photo of themselves to someone else is an incredibly difficult thing to come to terms with. I have spoken with so many parents over the years who have been through this, so if you are currently at this stage of parenting, please remember you are not alone.
I am going to share some tips and advice as well as some links to sites that I think are really helpful for teens and parents who are dealing with this issue.
Understand the world they live in
I remember being in Sixth Form and a girl in one of my classes showing me and some friends nude photos someone took of her. This did NOT feel like the norm at all back in 1996-we were all a bit shocked and couldn’t really understand why she would do something like that. We were also really judgey, and it definitely changed our opinion of her. I am not proud of my younger self’s reaction and there is a lot more to this story that I am not going to go into in this post. The reason I share this is to illustrate the fact that the taking and sending of nudes was not commonplace when we were teenagers. This is not going to be one of those conversations we can have with our kids where we say ‘I know how you feel! I went through the exact same thing!’ Their world is very different to ours, and we have to remember the pressures that they are under. This will help us to remove any judgement of their actions, making them less likely to feel ashamed about what they have done.
Not all messages are private
It is always worth having this conversation again and again! Not all messages are private, kids! Snapchats can be screenshot, images sent on Whatsapp can be saved and shared, kids phones are often checked and monitored by their parents or guardians-no matter what your privacy settings are. Making sure our kids know that anything they send could be shared and seen by other people is so important.
You might need to re-evaluate what ‘Having the Talk’ is
Of course, ‘Having the Talk’ is an essential part of our teens education and well-being. Don’t forget to include talking about consent and staying safe online, making sure you update the chat to include nudes and sexting. This page from Childline has some really useful information you can share.
Legal issues
Is your kid aware that in the UK it is actually illegal to send or receive a nude when you are under 18? It is always worth making sure they know where the law stands on this one.
Do they really understand what feeling under pressure to do something looks like?
Is your teen feeling under pressure? Or perhaps they are putting someone else under pressure to send nudes or engage in some sexting and they are not even aware of it. Breaking it down for them so that they are clear on what pressure looks like can be a game changer. These points might help:
• Repeatedly being asked to do something
• Being offered something in return like a present or money
• Being made to feel like you owe someone something
• Worrying you will upset someone if you don’t do that thing
• Worrying about being harmed or getting into trouble-feeling like you are being blackmailed
• Feeling like people wont like you if you don’t
Remove the shame
If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive.
Brene Brown
Remember how you react to your kid telling you they have sent or received a nude is really important. Preparing yourself for the fact that this could happen can really help here. I think this quote from Brene Brown is so relevant because as parents we want to avoid shaming our kids as much as possible, especially because others may be doing this already. Think about how you can respond with empathy and understanding when they have felt the pressure to engage in this activity.
This too shall pass
If you are in the thick of this stage of parenting, I am sending you so much love. It’s tough, so try not to be too hard on yourself or your kid. Remember they are at the stage of their development where they define themselves by their relationships, seeking validation from others instead of themselves. This causes them to make some pretty poor decisions at times. They need to know that you love them no matter what. “This too shall pass” is one of my favourite phrases, especially when it comes to parenting, because it reminds us that things are only temporary. You will get through this!